Develop the shit out of Perth

Yeah yeah yeah, it’s a small country town. We all know that, and I don’t care whether that’s why you like the place. If you acronymise “Small Country Town” you get “Smelly-Cuntville“. It’s as simple as that.

Shit Town

The reason de existance of this website is to analyse and debate development in Perth, whether it be Elizabeth Quay, the new Perth Arena, or the Federation Square development linking the CBD to the crack dens of Northbridge.

I’ll tell you now I’m pro-development. Only schmucks are anal enough to complain about iconic shit being built for millions of bucks.

Let’s discuss Elizabeth Quay, the namesake of this website. In my opinion it’s a fantastic idea. I’ve been to Darling Harbour and it rocks. The quality of didgeridoo drum ‘n’ bass is second to none, as is the standard of buskers. What’s Perth got? Some old dude who dresses up and dances to Madonna on his wog box? Fuck, that’s lame. I should get my granny out of retirement and get her dancing to ABBA – that’s worth throwing some coins at.

Elizabeth Quay is named after the Queen of Australia. Australians should be proud to have a Queen. The yanks don’t have a Queen.

Aussie Five Dollar Queen

On the subject of yanks…

Australians should’ve been proud to have the Queen’s £. That’s quite an honour. Alas no, in an attempt to forge a path to Australian independence, some clever cunt decided to be unique and adopt the American $. Just like on the tele y’all. Why not adopt an oafish junk food and V8 culture as well?

Ah shit, next they’ll be going all religious like those folk in the Bible Belt.

In 2011 there were five hundred and twenty eight thousand, seven hundred and ninety three recorded Western (Roman) Catholics in WA alone. There were nearly as many Anglicans, and a good mix of Uniting Church, Presbyterian, and miscellaneous Christians. The grand total amounts to a whoppingly high percentage of religious folk in WA. Scientific surveys show a direct correlation between religious beliefs and low IQs. Interesting.


Wasn’t Catholic dominance a “believe it or die” campaign in the age of Theodosius? That to me says Catholics are believers in a faith made popular by political dogma.

“I’m a simple sheep-farming Pagan Sir”.

“Porper, if you’re a Pagan, then we’ll cut off your head. Are you sure you’re a Pagan, not a Catholic?”

“Yes Sir, sorry Sir, I’m a simple sheep-farming Catholic.”

Fortunately there aren’t many Muslims in Perth. The reason for this is most Australians are racist.

Anyway, I digress. Where was I?

Long live the Queen (Who’s religious persuasion is “blood-drinking Illuminatus alien reptile atheist” according to the internet). Thanks Colin Barnett for being so patriotic and naming Perth’s Darling Harbour after our Queen. You may be a prick, but top marks for supporting your countries heritage.

With any big development it’s worth analysing loss vs gain. City real estate is a at a premium, so careful consideration needs to be taken for a development such as this. What can the Elizabeth Quay development offer over what was there before?

Who remembers what was on the development site before they dug it up? I’ll tell you – a really fucking boring piece of shrivelled cancer-ridden grass. Yes, you may say it had significant Aboriginal meaning (despite being re-claimed land), but so did most of Australia before the whites came and bastardised it. That’s what we do, get over it, and get off your high horse. Give the Abo’s liquor and they couldn’t give a damn.

Perth Waterfront Parks

With reams of “parkland” along the foreshore I really don’t think anything’s been lost. That park was shit anyway.

Sorry, hold on, something was lost. Does anyone remember that little Chinese restaurant on the park? That was pretty good, hey? That used to be a toilet block before it became a restaurant. Don’t you love that? “Hi Mum in England, I ate some lovely Chinese food last night in a candle-lit public bog”.

Grand Palace Perth

Good news folks, at the cost of $1,350,000 in tax payers money, the public lav was dismantled brick by brick and tile by tile, and will be erected once again in all it’s glory on a little island in the middle of Elizabeth Quay harbour. God save the pisser, we need them.

Onwards and upwards, it’s getting a bit clearer now. A shitty park is being turned into an iconic landmark. What’s so bad about that? Yes, it may be costing a few millions, but if you rent a house in Perth then that’s roughly what you pay a year. It’s almost on par with the cost of an avocado at IGA, but not quite. All in all it’s not much money for muchos gain.

I find most people anti-development of Perth are (1) Die-Hard Australians, and (2) live in a shed outside the city. That’s great news, they can stay the fuck away from it if they don’t like it. There aren’t many Australians in the city anyway; there’s little need for surfboard shapers and sheep shearers in the business district. Most city-workers have a degree of some sort, which makes it very difficult for Australians to find work.

Holden vs. Ford

Can you imagine it? Australians working in finance? How the hell would they get work done if one Aussie was pro-Holden and another pro-Ford?

“Damo mate, can you sort out these figures and shit, hey?”

“Fuck you Bruce, Holden are better than Ford and that makes you and your Facking Ford a sheep shagging cunt.”

Australians say “fack” a lot don’t they? They say “hey” a lot too. Is that just a Perth thing? Drunk Australians are the worst to converse with. If you dissect the facks and the heys from the conversation you’re usually left with the word “ug”, whatever the fack that means, hey? If you’re in Kalgoolie it’s even worse; after every hundred facks you get a punch. That’s not surprising, as they don’t have anything else to occupy their time when they run out of hooker money. If they had multi-million dollar developments to oppose they’d have more focus, and they wouldn’t be such wankers. Still, good for Aussies for supporting such a righteous cause – Families Against Corporate Killers.

FACK Families Against Corporate Killers

Down to the nitty gritty. What’s Elizabeth Quay going to offer? For a start it looks like Chevron will be building a monolith to rival the BHP tower. In the wake of the Aussie car industry it’s a great thing that oil and gas are holding the state up. Without oil and gas there’d be nothing but bogans. Imagine a country of bogans being led by a retard, as that’s what it would be. You don’t want that, and that’s one great reason to be pro-development.

Tony Abbott in Speedos

A development like Elizabeth Quay will promote tourism in Western Australia. Face it, people flock to Sydney for the toilet-tile Opera building, to Melbourne for the fashion, Byron for the drugs, and Broome for the Camels. When it comes to Perth they think fuck it, it’s shit in Perth, and their insight never ceases to amaze me. Believe it or not, tourism is a great thing. Not only does it bring foreign money into the country, it brings swathes of Chinese who, if we’re lucky, might decide to stay and improve the gene pool.

One of the slogans for Elizabeth Quay is to “bring the river and city together again”. That sounds like a love story to me, and everyone loves a love story.

Lastly, and most importantly, the development of Elizabeth Quay necessitates more drinking establishments. Nobody in their right mind can argue against that. Perhaps they’ll rebuild the toilet block and turn it into a nice cosy, homely pub.

Face it, everyone knows drinking establishments are the best way to encourage threesomes. They wouldn’t happen otherwise.

Drunk Girls like Threesomes

Amen to that.

Don’t be a dick head. Support Elizabeth Quay.

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